The Health Effects Of Eating Out

If the herpes sore above your lip is any indication, you already know one of the health effects of eating out. But given that you’re gaining weight and can’t seem to place your chubby little finger on where the pounds are coming from, it appears that you don’t know another.

Right?

Well, if you’re anything like the average American adult, you eat out a lot.¹Unlike in the opening, I’m using “eat out” here to mean the consumption of food away from home — NOT in regard to your oral sex habits! That’s for starters. Secondly, you’re included as an “average American adult” despite your protestations that you’re not as average as you are. Last of all, I use the term “adult” here very loosely because your behavior is by no means indicative of one!

When I say that you eat out a lot, I mean as often as 4 to 5 times a week. Yeah, you can’t stand the taste of your own cooking that much!²We can more than likely blame most of your inability to find your way around the kitchen on the elimination of home economics classes in many school districts across the country as a result of budget cuts. The rest of the blame? It can go to your parents not liking you enough to want to hang out with you more than necessary to teach you shit.

While not having to eat your own cooking is good, what’s bad is that restaurant food is generally higher in calories, saturated fat, sugar, and sodium than home cooked food. That goes for the grub at chichi spots as much as at fast food joints. Compounding the poor nutritional content are the portion sizes, which are often worlds apart from the recommended serving size.

Still can’t see the problem with you going to such great lengths to avoid your own cooking, none of which I can blame you for?

Okay, let’s try this…

Eating just one meal away from home each week increases daily intake by about 134 calories and comes out to a weight gain of two extra pounds per year. Now you do the math if you eat out more frequently!

That, my friend, explains the mystery of your weight gain!!!

Now, I understand how important your appearance is so all you care about is what I told you about restaurant food fucking that up for you, but eating out has actual health effects. Continue reading The Health Effects Of Eating Out

Healthy Fourth Of July Tips

So you want to have a healthy Fourth of July, huh?

Ummmmmm, you do know the Fourth of July is a holiday, right?!

And you know that calories don’t count on holidays, right?!?!¹Neither do they count at night, on weekends, vacations, birthdays, and countless other occasions.

Knowing those two things, I don’t know why you would want to have a healthy Independence Day! Continue reading Healthy Fourth Of July Tips

How To Eat Healthy On Father’s Day

I’m expected to provide you with tips on how to eat healthy on Father’s Day, but what’s the point?

If we’re being real here, this society doesn’t value dads as much as it does mothers. Just look at sitcoms, a perfect microcosm of the way fatherhood is viewed.

Well, what do you see?

Yeah, fathers are portrayed as lazy, bumbling buffoons.¹Care to guess why? Women watch more TV than men, so they’re the target demographic for a lot of shows, which are written to appeal to them. That’s why media representations of moms and dads are generally the way they are, with mothers praised and fathers nothing but comic fodder. Now, isn’t that odd? Women watch more TV than men, which means they’re home more, which means they’re not working as much. But it’s the men who are portrayed as the lazy ones, with that representation accepted as true in some circles?!?! Sorry, but it’s not, as the evidence suggests that “among married couples living together with kids, it’s dads who do more work in total—adding up paid work, housework, child care, and even shopping.”

So as you look forward to this special Father’s Day, what is there really to look forward to?

Like, after you receive your crappy tie or crappy socks or crappy coffee mug and even crappier Father’s Day card that was chosen from a limited selection because card companies don’t give a fuck about fathers either, there’s nothing more. Your day is pretty much over. No one’s going to go out of their way to do shit else for you, like cook you a big meal, take you out to a fancy restaurant, or surprise you with decadent baked goods. What, you think you’re a mother?!?!

With no big meal or treats to get you off track on this very not so special day, there’s no need for me to impart you with tips to help you handle Father’s Day in a way that won’t negatively impact the work of your regular diet and exercise.

Now, while no tips specific to enjoying Father’s Day food can be offered here because no one gives a fuck about fathers, there is some advice that can be given to dads who aren’t maintaining themselves like you are.

And that advice is…?

Well, if you’re a man whose body has changed since the birth of their kid(s), then on this Father’s Day, I think it’s important for me to tell you that you should do something about that dad bod. Oh, for reasons such as longevity so you get to see your children grow up and have their own?, you ask.

Ha, fuck outta here!!!

No, you should remember that 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation. So it’s best that you do something about that dad bod for when your wife takes your house and kids and you’re back on the dating market.

Because, you know, some poor chick will eventually have to see you with your shirt off after years of letting yourself go!

*yuck*

Food is how we express love. If, for some strange reason, you’re under the delusion that your family is going to do something special for you that’s food related, then you might need some holiday eating tips after all, but I doubt it!!!

Glossary: diet, exercise, food

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Monster Longe

Monster Longe is a personal trainer and online coach in San Diego. He's helped hundreds of people lose weight, build muscle, and become more attractive to their loved one so they don't have as strong of a desire to cheat on them anymore. When not working with clients or making content that's easy to read, understand, and apply to everyday life, he enjoys making fun of Drake and people who like the guy.

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How To Eat Healthy On Memorial Day

After months of patiently waiting and getting your body right in anticipation of it, it’s finally here: summer.

Well, at least the unofficial start of it with Memorial Day weekend.

And with Memorial Day weekend comes what?

Yup, an afternoon with friends and family at a picnic, barbecue, cookout, or pool party!

And what’s going to be at that picnic, barbecue, cookout, or pool party?

Yup, burgers, hot dogs, ribs, wings, potato salad, soda, beer, cupcakes, ice cream, and other Memorial Day goodies!

While there’s nothing like having a shindig to commemorate those who made the ultimate sacrifice as members of the United States armed forces in innumerable conflicts over the many years that some people are still blind enough to buy were fought to preserve democracy and not to expand global markets for corporate interests, you yourself have made sacrifices the past few weeks and months that now have you on edge about possibly fucking up your summer body before summer even begins.

So what are you to do? Continue reading How To Eat Healthy On Memorial Day

Who’s The Best Personal Trainer In San Diego?

Who’s the best personal trainer in San Diego?

If you’re looking to get in shape, San Diego is certainly the right place for that.

There’s beautiful weather, plenty of beaches, a lot of good looking people, and a shitload of personal trainers to help you become more attractive to one of those good looking people. Fuck, even “shitload” is an understatement. It seems like EVERYONE in San Diego is a personal trainer!

Nah, really.

E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E!!!

So who’s the best in the area then?

Gee, let’s see…

I’m a personal trainer…

…and I live in San Diego…

…so of course, the answer is…

This is where someone lacking humility would say “me”, with them proceeding to hard sell the hell out of you to convert you into a client.

While I do indeed have a sizable ego and know I should very well pitch myself to you, I’m going to be upfront and say the answer to who the best personal trainer in San Diego is a resounding “who the fuck knows”.

Yeah, that’s right!

Who the fuck knows who the best personal trainer is!!!

The answer to who’s the best is going to depend on your needs and various other factors, such as individual temperament and if yours matches with your trainer’s, something I wouldn’t have a clue about because I don’t know you personally. So given that I can’t specifically answer the question, what I will do instead is provide you with help on a few things to look for to guide your decision-making process in finding and choosing the best personal trainer for you not only if you live in San Diego or are visiting the area but also for anywhere in the world. Continue reading Who’s The Best Personal Trainer In San Diego?