How To Weigh Your Food
A tabletop scale comes in handy for more than just bagging up drugs.
Yeah, it sure does!
One of the uses is weighing out your food to make sure that you have the proper portions so you’re not eating more than you should be, which would make losing weight very, very hard if you were trying to.
Here’s how to use one!
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Oh, but you already use measuring spoons and cups, you say. And your point is what? I just told you to use a bleeping motherfucking scale, so use a bleeping motherfucking scale!!!1With measuring spoons and cups, not only is it easy to portion out more than a desired serving but the amount will always be different every time you measure something. Conversely, measurements are precise and consistent with a scale. So that’s why you should use a scale, and a digital one too!
Why digital?
Ummmmm, because it’s the 21st fucking century!!!
…oh, and also because they’re more accurate!
INSTRUCTIONS
1) Turn the scale on.
2) Place your plate, bowl, pot, pan, or cup on the scale.
3) Press the “TARE” button or corresponding function key so the plate, bowl, pot, pan, or cup you’ll be placing the food item on isn’t factored into the total weight.
4) Set the appropriate unit of measurement.2e.g. grams, ounces, pounds, kilograms, milliliters, etc.
5) Make sure the scale has a zero reading and place the food item on the plate, bowl, pot, pan, or cup.
6) When a number settles on the display, record the reading.
7) Input the weight into MyFitnessPal, FitDay, Loseit!, CalorieKing, or other food database to calculate the macros for that serving and how it fits into your overall daily requirements.
8) Zero out the scale to add the next ingredient, if necessary.
9) Repeat steps 4-7.
NOTE (A): Weigh everything that goes into your black hole for a mouth!3Everything means every fucking thing, from ketchup, to honey, to peanut butter, to barbecue sauce, to salad dressing, to prepackaged single serve foods, to that protein powder that comes with its very own inaccurate scooper.
Weigh E-V-E-R-Y-FUCKING-T-H-I-N-G!!!
NOTE (B): Weigh everything raw unless the food package itself states otherwise.4Why?
Because by law, the food industry is required to base the nutrition information for food on the state they sell it to you in.
And that’s not “state” as in the New York or California kind.
Nope, that’s “state” as in the mode or condition of being!
So the information for a bag of rice is for the rice uncooked because that’s the state it is in the bag that’s sold to you. The same goes for a drum of oatmeal, box of pasta, sack of potatoes, tube of ground beef, package of chicken, whatever. What that means is that those contents and more should be weighed prior to cooking, UNLESS the fine print on the food packaging suggests otherwise or the nutritional database you’re using has an entry for a prepared food item, like steamed rice, grilled chicken, scrambled eggs, etc. But even when there’s an entry for a prepared item, you should still weigh your shit raw.
Sure, you can use entries for prepared food items, like steamed rice, but that invites more variability because it’s not possible to cook a food the exact same way and to the exact same doneness so the exact same amount of water is absorbed or evaporated each and every time it’s cooked!
NOTE: But what about frozen food?, you ask. Well, what about it?!?! Weigh food that’s sold frozen in that state like you would anything else that’s uncooked out of its bag, drum, box, sack, tube, package, whatever. The amount of water lost between the item when it’s frozen and thawed is going to be minimal, if any. The same applies with fresh chicken, fish, and other items that you freeze yourself. It’ll weigh the same when thawed as it will when frozen. Know why? Because if an item is properly sealed, all that’s getting frozen is the water that’s already contained within the item. Extra water doesn’t magically appear from elsewhere to make it heavier. All that’s changing is the density, not the weight.
NOTE (C): When preparing more than one serving of something, weigh out the number of servings needed as you normally would. After the item is cooked, weigh it and then divide by the desired number of servings to get the correct portion size.5Yes, it’s an extremely complicated process with even more complicated math, but I have faith in ya!
NOTE (D): If you’d rather eat something out of the container than from dishware because you’re uncivilized, place the container on the scale and weigh it. After eating from the container like a savage, place it back on the scale and subtract the new weight from the original weight.6Do the same with fruit. Weigh it whole. After eating, weigh the skin, pit, or seeds and then do the advanced math shit.
You don’t need to weigh shit for the rest of your life.
Your life is already miserable enough, mate!
No, after measuring and tracking your food for a while, you’ll learn what certain amounts of food look like and can start making eyeball measurements. That comes with time, though. For now, I suggest that you begin weighing E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G so that your calorie and macro count is accurate!!!
Sure, you don’t HAVE to weigh your food to get results, just like you don’t have to go to school to someday get a job. But weighing your food goes a long way to seeing better results, just like going to school goes a long way to making sure that you someday have a higher paying job than if you didn’t go to school.
But wait, won’t you having to use most of your salary to pay off the student loan debt you’re swimming in kind of negate the benefits of having that higher paying job?
Yes!
Yes, but you get my bloody point, though!!!