Category: Bad Advice

What’s The Fastest Way To Get A Six-Pack?

Q: The only stupid question is the one that you don’t ask, right? So I’ll ask my question although I myself understand the complex stupidity of it (and because I have no shame). Now, I need you to tell me the fastest way to get a six-pack while I watch TV and eat chips.

A: For someone your age who’s not up on the latest technology, it’s totally understandable that you don’t know how to get a six-pack while doing nothing but watching TV and stuffing your face with Lord knows what.

After all, you were born in the middle of the last century and you’re so used to doing things the old century way.

Thus, you’ve failed to grasp that here in the 21st century, virtually everything you could possibly desire is just the click of a button away.

Speaking to this, every major grocer now has it where you can hop online and order what you want, schedule a delivery window, and — POOF!!! — the shit you selected on your computer or smartphone is right there at your doorstep like magic!

So if you want a six-pack without having to leave the comfort of your sofa, then by God, my man, you can have that six-pack!

That’s the fastest way to get a six-pack, so do that instead of doing things that require more time and effort.

Things like…? Continue reading What’s The Fastest Way To Get A Six-Pack?

What Are Some Belly Burning Foods?

Q: I’m trying to get sexy. I know, is it even possible to get sexier than I already am? Well, that’s what we’re about to find out! Anyway, because I have ABSOLUTELY no interest — NONE AT ALL!!! — in doing any of the requisite work to change my body, what are some belly burning foods that’ll burn the fat for me?

A: What foods to eat to burn belly fat?

Ooooooooooooh, I bet you’re patiently waiting for me to tell you to drink coffee or eat chili peppers for their active substances (caffeine and capsaicin, respectively), which can rev up the metabolism and melt the pounds away.

Ooooooooooooh, I also bet you’re waiting for me to tell you to eat more protein-rich foods because the body expends more energy (i.e. burns more calories) processing protein for digestion, absorption, and disposal than it does the other macronutrients, which can help rev up the metabolism and melt the pounds away.

I bet you’re waiting with bated breath for me to tell you all sorts of foods that not only rev up the metabolism but also build fat-burning muscle, block the formation of fat cells, trigger the release of fat from cells, and boost the breakdown of fat.

<fingers crossed>Well, don’t wait too long because, you know, I wouldn’t want you to suffocate!</fingers crossed>

I’m not going to do any of the shit that’s expected of me because, first of all, I’m fucking defiant.

Second, there aren’t any foods that are going to burn fat by you just eating them, which is what you (and others) are looking for when you ask this question.

Nope, there’s nothing that exists that melts fat off by you just opening your mouth and swallowing…

…at least without you not dying.

Sure, there are foods that’ll have an effect on your metabolism and other things, but not to such a degree that it’ll amount to anything radical on the scale or in your pants size via you doing that alone.

So what will? Continue reading What Are Some Belly Burning Foods?

How Do You Start Exercising When You’re Out Of Shape?

Q: I’m in terrible shape right now. Like, for real, I’m a mess…and that’s putting it lightly. Yeah, I need to get my life in order. But how do you start exercising when you’re out of shape? Like, should I get in shape before joining a gym or just join a gym and get in shape while working out? Yes, I know. It’s a perfectly logical question!

A: I’m not exactly the brightest tool in the crayon shed, so let me get this straight.

What you’re asking and want a serious answer to is if you should get in shape before…getting…in…shape.

Right?

You’re not in good enough shape now to go to the gym, a place where people go to get in shape. So you want to work out by yourself, which is probably at home, the place where you originally got out of shape. Then once you get in shape in the place that made it conducive for you to get out of shape, you’ll go to the gym to get in even more shape.

Right?

Because I don’t want to impugn your intelligence by calling that idea stupid, I’m not going to say that stupid idea is stupid.

Nope!

That stupid idea certainly isn’t stupid and isn’t a reflection of your stupidity!

Instead of calling you and your stupid idea stupid, I’ll just keep my opinion to myself and stick to telling you how to start exercising when you’re out of shape.

The answer to your predicament is that there’s no need to get fit before getting fit. Regardless of whether you elect to start working out at home or at the gym, you’re going to have to do the same thing, which is to gradually ease your way into more and more physical activity until you’re at the recommended minimum of 150 minutes of moderate or 75 minutes of vigorous exercise per week. That means possibly going to the gym or doing a home workout for only 10 minutes two to three times a week and slowly adding more and more time and/or days until you reach the guideline.

There, problem solved!

With that said, excuse me as I put on my psychiatrist cap and totally read between the lines and get to the bottom of what’s really going on here. Continue reading How Do You Start Exercising When You’re Out Of Shape?

How Can A Skinny Guy Build Muscle?

Q: Have you ever looked at a stick figure drawing and said that it’s jacked? Well, that’s because you haven’t seen me to compare it to! Real talk, I’m skinny as fuck!!! Oh, I’m also very, very special. So, like, how can a skinny guy build muscle and maybe someday not look so skinny?

A: So you want me to tell you the best way to gain muscle for skinny people, huh?

You’re going to be astonished by what I have to say, but I kid you not that a skinny guy can gain weight and build muscle by doing the same things that not so skinny guys do to gain weight and build muscle.

And what’s that?!?!

Why, eating at a caloric surplus, at least 500 calories above your maintenance level.

That’s what!

Additionally, making sure you’re eating the appropriate amount of calories to gain weight not only requires the calculation of them but also weighing and tracking your food to make sure that you’re actually eating as many calories as you should be, as well as vital macronutrients like protein.

Wanna know what else not so skinny people do that can be copied by skinny people? Continue reading How Can A Skinny Guy Build Muscle?

How Do I Start Working Out For The First Time?

Q: All I need to know is how to start working out for the first time. See, I’ve been, shall we say, letting myself go. Even that’s putting it lightly since I make Jabba the Hutt look like a figure of health. Do you know how fucking hard that is?!?! It’s fucking ridiculous. I know I need to do better but…ummmmm…how do I start?!?!

A: How to start working out for the first time?

What an utterly stup…endous question!

Well, for starters, I know you shouldn’t start by realizing that you live in the Information Age and can just type something like “how to start working out” into a search box, which will return a shitload of resources on the subject, such as two of my own that tell you how to start exercising when you’re out of shape and how to start an exercise program after being sedentary for years.

That’d be just stupid to hop online and find workout programs and nutrition plans that take the guesswork out of shit for you; videos showing how to perform exercises with proper form; and blog posts on various topics of nutrition so you know what to eat and why and how much.

How to start getting fit certainly isn’t by doing any of that shit!

Know what else it isn’t by doing? Continue reading How Do I Start Working Out For The First Time?