Category: Glossary

diet

noun [dahy·it]
1. that thing you’re going to start tomorrow. see also: PINOCCHIO

verb [dahy·it]
2. to eat small amounts or particular kinds of food in order to lose weight so you can go right back to eating more of the foods and amounts that helped you gain the weight you soooooo desperately wanted to lose. see also: GENIUS

3. to repetitively announce to everyone that you’re eating certain foods and avoiding others and not shutting the fuck up about it, usually when watching others enjoy themselves eating foods you used to enjoy as you have to sit there eating something much more boring. see also: ASSHOLE

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moderation

noun [mod·uh·rey·shuh n]
the lie you always tell yourself about eating or drinking a lesser quantity of the food or beverage you ultimately eat or drink waaaaaayyyyyyyyy more of with reckless abandon and then play dumb at why you’re a fat fuck when you turn into a fat fuck, if not already one. see also: BULLSHIT

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squats

noun [skwots]
1. one of three exercises in addition to bench press and deadlifts that can sum up the merit of your training program based on whether or not it’s included because no one — ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!!! — can get freakishly big and strong without it. see also: WRONG

2. the exercise movement that you do in the gym that people who look much, much worse than you feel overly qualified to offer unsolicited advice about. see also: BUTTINSKY

3. must be performed on the Smith Machine with a squat pad on the bar while wearing a headband, exercise gloves, a weightlifting belt, and knee sleeves. see also: BADASS

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cheat

verb [cheet]
1. to make an exercise easier than it should be by violently contorting the body in all kinds of fucked up ways as a means of moving a far too heavy load, all because the object is to move the weight from point A to B as many times as possible, not to…ummmm…work the muscle. see also: MARRIAGE

2. to eat something, usually garbage, that isn’t on your meal plan or part of your diet because eating what you’re supposed to eat when trying to lose weight doesn’t make as much sense as eating the shit that’s responsible for your weight gain in the first place. see also: EVERY DAY PAST 5 PM

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December

noun [dih·sem·ber]
the twelfth and final month of the year in the Julian and Gregorian calendars, making it the most perfect time to start working on the goals that were set out for the year but were held off the previous eleven months it would have taken to complete them. see also: FUCKED

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