Simple Fitness Tips And Tricks

Are you one of those people?

You know, the type of person to tell their lover, bestie, coworker, bank teller, basically anybody who’ll listen to them, that they’re not seeing results from their diet or exercise program even though they’re doing EVERYTHING they can possibly think of.

If you’re teetering on the verge of becoming one of those people, then you’re doing it wrong.

What exactly?

This whole fitness thing, THAT’S WHAT!!!

I don’t know how it’s possible to fuck this fitness thing up because it’s so easy, but people find a way to.

Find a way to fuck it up badly they do!

Because it’d be a travesty for you to become one of those people, here are some fitness tips and tricks to help you make gains and not have to annoy those closest to you with your First World problems.

ONE
Weightlifting can help with body composition, improve blood flow, lower inflammation, and ward off chronic disease, among other things.¹

That’s why you should incorporate weights into whatever you’re doing!

TWO
Just because working out has the word “WORK” in it doesn’t mean it has to trigger a Pavlovian response in you to put the same piss poor effort into working out as you do at work.

THREE
Every day you somehow find the inner strength not to skip out on your children.²

That same power should be applied to not skipping meals, as irregular eating can lead to reduced and delayed insulin response, which increases fat storage and the risk of diabetes.

FOUR
DOMS isn’t a sign of anything good.³

FIVE
If you’re pressed for time because you have such a busy schedule, then do HIIT.

HIIT cardio sessions have a lot in common with your lovemaking: they’re both over real quick!

SIX
Start having more indiscriminate sex if what you’re after is feeling a burn.

Instead of exercising, TRAIN!!!

SEVEN
You wouldn’t no-show a meeting at work, right?⁴

Stay consistent in the gym by scheduling your workouts just like you would any job-related appointment!

EIGHT
Eating while watching TV can take your attention away from hunger signals telling you to stop, causing you to consume more calories and gain weight.

The same goes for your phone, so save the scrolling through your social media feed for when you’re driving!

NINE
Get an accountability partner if you have trouble staying on track. Not only can you work out together but you can also provide each other support by swapping tips and encouragement.

Who knows.

You can even swap spit or husbands and wives, if you’re into that sort of thing!

TEN
Sticking with your diet and exercise may just be a matter of finding something you actually like.

…

Or maybe not considering that you and many others stick with their partners, jobs, and other things they hate.

ELEVEN
Leave your phone in the locker room so you won’t be distracted by it. If you need it for music, to log your stats, or to time your rest periods, then put it on airplane mode.

Sending dick pics, if you’re a guy, and your revulsion to receiving them, if you’re a broad, can wait until AFTER your workout.

TWELVE
Thoughts are powerful.

You?

Not so much.

But as long as you think you are…

…you still won’t be, as you’re about to be reminded of when you try to bench that stupid amount of weight you have no business even trying.

But think those good thoughts about your strengths and abilities, nonetheless!

THIRTEEN
Contrary to what your boyfriend, husband, or side dude told you, sucking dick won’t help burn the neck fat off.

Spot reduction, or doing an activity to lose fat in a specific area, doesn’t work!

The body loses fat all over, with some areas losing it faster than others.

FOURTEEN
The success rate of a diet INCREASES if you can stick with it through the first 48 hours, just like a viable lead in the first 48 hours of your murder improves the chances of police arresting me for the crime, which I’m damn right guilty of doing once it became clear you weren’t capable of something as simple as making it past the first few days without fucking up the meal plan I just put together for you!!!

FIFTEEN
Eat a rainbow of foods to supply your body with the complete range of vitamins and minerals it needs.

Yeah, add some color to your life…

…unlike your neighborhood, workplace, church, EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE!!!

SIXTEEN
Ask your server to have the veggies and meat cooked dry and to bring the sauce on the side. Then snap your fingers sorta like this *snap my fingers* and tell them to make it snappy.

Trust me, waiters really love that!

SEVENTEEN
The bigger the plate, the more likely you are to overeat by filling it up with food.

That’s why you should eat from small plates instead of something the size of a satellite dish!

EIGHTEEN
Eating at regular times throughout the day reduces the temptation to snack on foods high in fat and sugar.

So all of that practice you have from spreading your legs, use it on spreading out your food intake!

NINETEEN
Yes, I agree with you that we should ban abortion, free speech, and anything else that allows autonomy and agency over ourselves.

But foods from your diet?

D-O-N-T!!!

You’ll only crave them more!

TWENTY
Skip the cream and sugar that you dump in your morning coffee and turn into a calorie bomb so that nasty shit is palatable enough for you to get your caffeine fix.

Instead, drink your coffee black and stop being such a pussy compared to other drug addicts.

TWENTY-ONE
The closer food is to its natural state, the healthier it is.

That’s why you should eat whole, fresh foods instead of the processed and packaged crap that you’re used to.

That’s correct.

Your food should be as unrefined as your behavior!

TWENTY-TWO
Aim for at least 150 minutes of moderate activity throughout the week.

That’s only 30 minutes 5 days per week, which is what you’ll do as a result of your public school education not preparing you for the advanced math needed to figure out other amounts of time you can work out for over any given number of days.

TWENTY-THREE
Ladies, there’s no better way to start the day than with some meat in your mouth.

Eating protein in the morning can help you eat less throughout the day by influencing the production of the hormones that control satiety and hunger.

You’re welcome, fellas!

TWENTY-FOUR
Keeping a food journal can help double weight loss by not only increasing awareness of what you’re eating but can also stop you from overeating or eating crap for fear of having to write it down and see how pathetic you are.⁵

TWENTY-FIVE
Ingredients on a food label are listed from the largest to the smallest amount on the product.

…

Like how when you ask a parent for their kid’s names and the first one they say tells you how much of a special place that child holds in their heart over the others.

TWENTY-SIX
Can’t get 150 minutes of moderate activity throughout the week?

Just get 75 minutes at a vigorous intensity level if you have shit to do because your life is soooooooooooooo action-packed.⁶

TWENTY-SEVEN
Get enough sleep.

Lack of sleep can not only make you more unbearable to be around than you already are (and boy are you unbearable!), but it can also lead to weight gain by slowing down your metabolism and throwing out of whack the appetite hormones so you feel hungry and don’t get as full.

TWENTY-EIGHT
When dining out, don’t order anything fried, sautéed, crusted, or breaded.

You know, anything that tastes good, which sorta defeats the purpose of you eating out.

TWENTY-NINE
Work out with a friend, you loser.

Partnering up with someone makes you accountable, reducing the odds of you skipping a session or giving up on your goals.⁷

THIRTY
Drink water.

One or two glasses can fill you up so you eat less.

Oh, but water is nasty, says the person who lets a lot of nastier fluids slide down their throat with no problem!

*rolling my eyes*

THIRTY-ONE
Calories still count on holidays, birthdays, vacations, weekends, after midnight, if your day is going to hell, when someone offers free food, and any other occasion you’d like to think they don’t!

THIRTY-TWO
Don’t grocery shop on an empty stomach because that’s what you’ll be thinking with instead of your fucking brain.

Wait, hold up…

When have you E-V-E-R used your brain?!?!

THIRTY-THREE
Partner up.

Working out with a friend can make exercise fun.

That’s impossible!, you say.

Trust me, exercise being made fun is more possible than you finding someone who wants to be around you!

THIRTY-FOUR
Drink cold water.

The work it takes to heat cold water to body temperature can raise resting metabolism, which means you can burn calories from doing all that nothing that you do.

Rejoice!!!

THIRTY-FIVE
If sweating helped you lose weight, you’d be anorexic by now the way you sweat what everyone else is doing.⁸

THIRTY-SIX
The best time to work out is whatever time you can make it to the gym on a regular basis.

…

But try to work out as early as possible so you have less time to work your creative magic on coming up with excuses as the day goes by.

THIRTY-SEVEN
Stay the fuck out of your grocery store’s center aisle!

Instead, shop the perimeter where fresh produce, lean proteins, and other foods are that haven’t been processed and had dastardly things done to them in man’s arrogant attempt to improve the Creator’s work.

THIRTY-EIGHT
Save calories when dining out by taking Tupperware with you so when your food arrives, you can place half in it and eat the rest.

If you don’t want to be a fucking Tupperware carrying weirdo, simply asking for a takeaway box will make putting your food in one before you’re even done eating not as weird as it is.⁹

THIRTY-NINE
Mask your horrible cooking with herbs and spices instead of salt in order to reduce sodium and lower the risk of your heart exploding — not, like, exploding with love but, like, really exploding!

FORTY
Buy a food scale to weigh out your portions.

Why?

Because for someone who’s so full of themselves and inflates everything they do, you sure do underestimate yourself when it comes to how much food you’re eating.

FORTY-ONE
Exercise is a great stress reliever and mood booster.

So having a bad day?

Going to the gym and working out is a better alternative than leaving the suburbs for the ‘hood, where you harass E-V-E-R-Y person of color by asking if they’re a drug dealer you can score illegal narcotics from.

FORTY-TWO
Cook your own food and take it with you when you go out.

That way, you’ll have complete control over everything that goes inside your mouth, unlike a whore in a pimp’s stable.

FORTY-THREE
Eat protein, at least 0.8 to 1.2 grams per pound of body weight.

Trust me, nothing will happen to your beloved kidneys though the up-to-date nutritional advice from the 1960s that you rely on says otherwise.

FORTY-FOUR
Follow the 80/20 rule.

Eat according to your diet 80 percent of the time and tell your diet to go fuck itself the other 20 percent.

You’re not perfect, so don’t do the impossible by trying to be like me.

FORTY-FIVE
Schedule your meals.

Eating at the same time every day helps your body know exactly when to expect food, making it less likely to send hunger signals that can result in you overeating.

All that’s left is for you to learn how to tell time, a skill so complicated that you’re XX years old and still late for everything.

FORTY-SIX
Drink water, at least two quarts per day.

Mild dehydration not only affects the amount of piss you have for the water sports you and your freak ass partner are into but it also slows down the metabolism by as much as 3 percent.

FORTY-SEVEN
Movement is an ALL DAY thing.

Sitting on your ass on the stationary bike to get a better view of the hot ass bouncing on the treadmill in front of you doesn’t mean you can sit on your ass and do nothing the rest of the day.

FORTY-EIGHT
When dining out, control your calories by ordering all dressing and sauces on the side.

Yes, have them on the side like the person you’re cheating on your significant other with!

FORTY-NINE
You should always level up.¹⁰ But be sure to level down when it comes to stress!

The stress hormone cortisol can increase your appetite and cravings for oh so delicious crap, which can lead to weight gain.

It also promotes the storage of fat, especially around the stomach.

FIFTY
Wash your hands before and after working out and keep them away from your eyes, nose, and mouth.

The gym is a breeding ground not only for adulterous relationships but it’s also teeming with germs and bacteria looking to fuck you up more than the significant other of the person you’re creeping with.

FIFTY-ONE
Weigh yourself in the morning after using the bathroom and before eating or drinking.

Weight can change throughout the day, so the morning is when you’ll have the most accurate read.

But by all means, do otherwise if you want to step on the scale and continue the tradition of every step you take being wrong.

FIFTY-TWO
Eat your rice with coconut oil.

Albeit hard work is an alien concept to you, preparing rice with coconut oil and refrigerating it for 12 hours can slash calories by turning it into “resistant starch”, making the body have to work harder to digest it.

FIFTY-THREE
Stock your house with shit that isn’t crap if you want to stop eating crap.

Reason: YOU CAN’T EAT WHAT’S NOT THERE!!!

Proof?

Look at pussy and how you don’t eat it thanks to your lack of game when it comes to bringing women back home!

FIFTY-FOUR
Two servings of dark chocolate sliding down your throat every day can reduce body fat.¹¹

FIFTY-FIVE
Almonds are rich in L-arginine, an amino acid that helps improve performance by increasing blood flow and the supply of oxygen and nutrients to the muscles during workouts.

So even though you already do a lot of nut gobbling, you should probably step up your daily nut intake by putting actual nuts in your mouth.

FIFTY-SIX
Wearing headphones while working out not only keeps people from talking to you — Ewwwwwww, people!!! — but music can keep you from doing your usual quitter thing by distracting you from pain, fatigue, and the countless thoughts of how much you don’t want to do what you’re doing.

FIFTY-SEVEN
Tea catechins can boost the metabolism and promote fat burning, especially in the abdominal area.¹²

FIFTY-EIGHT
Lifting light weights for a bajillion reps doesn’t burn more calories than lifting heavier weights for fewer reps.

All lifting light does is make you look like a pussy, not that you don’t already come across as one without lifting light.

FIFTY-NINE
Cuddling releases oxytocin, a hormone that decreases appetite.

Too much of a loser to have someone to cuddle up to?

Then hire a professional cuddler.

Y-E-S, A PROFESSIONAL CUDDLER!

That’s correct, there are people even more pathetic than you are!!!

SIXTY
Last night’s crazy drug bender has your balance all over the place and doing cardio in that state sounds like a good idea?¹³

Then, and only then, should you hold on to the handrails for dear life!

SIXTY-ONE
You’ve lost your job…and all your money to an MLM…and your mate to someone else…and your direction in life.

BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!

I get it, losing just comes naturally to you. But losing anything more than one pound per week is likely muscle and water — NOT fat.

So resist your loser ways when it comes to weight loss!

SIXTY-TWO
Know your green smoothie that you keep saying isn’t gross but you really know is gross and only keep drinking not to prove people right about how gross it is?

Well, throw some protein powder into that gross green smoothie not only for added nutrition but also to hide how gross that green smoothie is.

SIXTY-THREE
With your incessant railing about political correctness, you’d fit right into any time in America when only stupid considerations of dignity had to be made for straight white males instead of for EVERYBODY.

But even though you’re not very progressive, you should at least try to be almost every time you work out by adding weight to your exercises if you want your muscles to grow.

SIXTY-FOUR
Order from the kid’s menu if you’re dining out and don’t want to order a big meal because you’re stupid enough to have goals and shit.

They have a policy against full-grown adults ordering kids’ meals?

Then throw a tantrum to show them how childlike you are, something that you prove to us EVERY…SINGLE…DAY!!!

SIXTY-FIVE
Unless you’re Riley Reid, Mandy Muse, Penny Pax, Roxy Raye, or some other very talented woman with an alliterative name, feeling stuffed isn’t what you should be going for.

Instead, eat until you’re satisfied!

SIXTY-SIX
I know the human body is complex and it’s unrealistic to know everything about it, but the legs…have…muscles…too!

TRAIN THEM!!!

SIXTY-SEVEN
Reliability isn’t your strong suit.

Wait, do you even have any desirable qualities?!

Hmmmmm…

Anyyyyywaaaaayyyy, check your weight at the same time and day of the week for the most reliable number.

SIXTY-EIGHT
Your body isn’t always going to feel one-hundred percent every time you work out.

As long as you’re not injured, you better push through the pain like you did coming out the womb without giving a fuck about what your mother felt.

SIXTY-NINE
Running from your own complicity in the disparate lifeplans of others doesn’t burn calories, but walking alongside those whose lifeplans you directly and indirectly affect does.¹⁴

People make this fitness shit way more complicated than it actually is, making themselves look like idiots when they don’t get results out of it.

Because we all care about the way we’re viewed by others, even when we say we don’t, and this fitness shit isn’t exactly rocket science, it’s in your interest to not come across as the simpleton you really are in all other facets of your life. And how you do that is with these fitness tips and tricks that’ll help you see results from your rolling out of bed 3x per week at first crow to go to the gym before work, as well as turning down that succulent slice of chocolaty heaven that your coworkers are enjoying in celebration of Jane in accounting’s birthday.

What more is there to say?

Yup, nothing!

Glossary: bench press, calories, cardio, diet, exercise, fitness, goal, gym, hormones, intensity, meal plan, metabolism, muscle, muscle soreness, nutrition, program, results, treadmill, weekend, work out, workout

Simple Fitness Tips And Tricks

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