Healthy Halloween Tips
It’s almost Halloween.
Yup, time to start getting real imaginative with your costume!
So what are you going as?
Sexy witch? Sexy nurse? Sexy police officer? Sexy [insert some other respectable profession]?
Yeah, with Halloween being the one time of the year that you can dress like a total slut and there being so many respectable professions that you can dress up as the sexified version of, your options are virtually limitless.1Okay, maybe Halloween isn’t the only time you’re allowed to dress like a whore because, after all, you dress like one in the gym EVERY…SINGLE…DAY…OF…THE…YEAR!
Egads, the agita you must be under!
But besides pushing the boundaries of human imagination with your costume selection, there’s something else to worry about on Halloween.
That’s the candy, folks!
All that sweet, sweet candy!!!
So how are you to survive the holiday?
With these healthy Halloween tips, of course!
ONE
You save everything until the last minute, right?
Buying Halloween candy shouldn’t be any different.
The less time Halloween candy is in your house, the less temptation there is to eat it all before you give it away to beggars — excuse me, I meant trick or treaters — when they knock on your door begging for free shit from a stranger they should have the utmost trust in.
TWO
Place Halloween candy in a bowl outside your door with a note begging and pleading for people to only take one or two pieces and leave the rest for others.
Yeah, rely on the Halloween candy honor system rather than having the candy in the house where it’s within reach and you can help yourself to it.
THREE
Save yourself from having to fight off temptation by handing out more nontraditional fare, like fruit, boxes of raisins, travel size cereal, animal crackers, pennies, Handi-Snacks, pocket bibles, etcetera.2This might possibly (and deservedly) get your house egged and toilet papered. But if you live in an apartment, then go ahead!
FOUR
Taking your kids trick or treating?
Eat beforehand!
A meal rich in protein and fiber will keep you full and less likely to treat yourself to candy from your kid’s haul.
The same applies if you’re going to a Halloween-themed adult party, with fullness stopping you from making questionable food choices when alcohol lowers your inhibitions and impairs the decision-making process.
FIVE
Remember that being a good parent by doing allllllllllllllllll that walking as you take your kid(s) from house to house begging for candy from strangers doesn’t entitle you to a “candy tax”.
SIX
Because you, in your infinite wisdom, took your kid(s) begging for candy from strangers, their treats have to be checked for safety.
That can be done without you eating them!
SEVEN
Whatever leftover candy you have that wasn’t handed out to beggars can be donated to charity, sold to a dentist’s office that’s holding a Halloween candy buyback, or taken to work and given to coworkers whose health you don’t give a fuck about.
You can do either of those things instead of keeping the remaining treats in the house.
Those are just a few healthy Halloween tips for you.
While they’re intended to help you get through this very trying quasi-holiday, remember that Halloween only comes around once a year and it’s perfectly alright to celebrate it. After all, one day of indulgence isn’t going to kill you…
…but your significant other might if they’re the jealous type and they find out the kind of candy you were stuffing your mouth with was the eye candy from your gym!
If, for some strange reason, you need more help than this, like perhaps some holiday eating tips, then click the hypertext link!!!
Glossary: gym
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