Blog - Page 75 of 103 - Monster Longe

Posted on June 28, 2019April 23, 2020 by Monster Longe

The One-Armed Man

One of my clients is learning how to do pullups. As part of her progression, she now performs assisted pullups with me holding her feet behind her, which is followed by a few sets of eccentric pullups. Anyway, today she had the bright idea to challenge me to do a pullup, a subtle way of questioning my coaching.

That’s when I did pullups, but not just one pullup like she asked me for.

Nah, I did multiple reps of them.

Oh, and here’s another tidbit:

THEY WERE ONE-ARMED!!!

Trust me, I do all the shit that I have you people doing.

I just do it better.

*smiley face with sunglassess emoji*

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Monster Longe

Monster Longe is a personal trainer in San Diego. He has been lifting weights for +25 years and training clients in the gym and online for about half of that time. When not working with clients or making content that's easy to read, understand, and apply to everyday life, he enjoys long walks and leaving buildings crushed and entire city blocks decimated in his wake.

Deadlift

deadlift

noun [ded·lift]
a pull movement that calls for lifting a barbell off the ground from a bent-over position until the torso is erect; usually performed with more weight than it should be performed with by lifters who want to hurry up to wheelchair living because they have a general dislike for walking and the spine’s role in it. see also: EGO

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Posted on June 22, 2019May 13, 2020 by Monster Longe

What Are Some Belly Burning Foods?

Q: I’m trying to get sexy. I know, is it even possible to get sexier than I already am? Well, that’s what we’re about to find out! Anyway, because I have ABSOLUTELY no interest — NONE AT ALL!!! — in doing any of the requisite work to change my body, what are some belly burning foods that’ll burn the fat for me?

A: What foods to eat to burn belly fat?

Ooooooooooooh, I bet you’re patiently waiting for me to tell you to drink coffee or eat chili peppers for their active substances (caffeine and capsaicin, respectively), which can rev up the metabolism and melt the pounds away.

Ooooooooooooh, I also bet you’re waiting for me to tell you to eat more protein-rich foods because the body expends more energy (i.e. burns more calories) processing protein for digestion, absorption, and disposal than it does the other macronutrients, which can help rev up the metabolism and melt the pounds away.

I bet you’re waiting with bated breath for me to tell you all sorts of foods that not only rev up the metabolism but also build fat-burning muscle, block the formation of fat cells, trigger the release of fat from cells, and boost the breakdown of fat.

<fingers crossed>Well, don’t wait too long because, you know, I wouldn’t want you to suffocate!</fingers crossed>

I’m not going to do any of the shit that’s expected of me because, first of all, I’m fucking defiant.

Second, there aren’t any foods that are going to burn fat by you just eating them, which is what you (and others) are looking for when you ask this question.

Nope, there’s nothing that exists that melts fat off by you just opening your mouth and swallowing…

…at least without you not dying.

Sure, there are foods that’ll have an effect on your metabolism and other things, but not to such a degree that it’ll amount to anything radical on the scale or in your pants size via you doing that alone.

So what will? Continue reading What Are Some Belly Burning Foods?

Posted on June 20, 2019April 22, 2020 by Monster Longe

Save The Children

A lot of you have children.

I don’t know how the fuck that happened, but yeah.

Well, I do know how it happened. A penis was inserted into a vagina and released sperm-filled ejaculate after only a few seconds of thrusting, with one male reproductive cell fusing with the ova of the very disappointed female to form an embryo.

Yeah, I know how kids are created.

What I’m saying is I don’t know who the fuck allowed you have intercourse with them to create one, let alone do it again to create more!

Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a childhood obesity epidemic.

So because you have children and obesity is an issue that will more than likely affect them (if it doesn’t already), this video might be of interest to you.

But if you’re fattening them up to sell to some Brothers Grimm witch, then fuck the video and do your thing.

Times are hard, so I understand!

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Monster Longe

Job Description

Can’t make your training sessions? Do your cardio? Weigh and track your food? Or anything else you’re supposed to do that gives the impression of you caring?

Well, what the fuck does that have to do with me?!

Shiiiiiiittttt, I don’t care about your goals.

I repeat, I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR GOALS!!!

Why?

Because it’s not my fucking job to.

That’s yours.

All I’m hired to do is provide you with the tools to reach your destination. Whether you make use of them is up to you, motherfucker!

Note: This can all change if you upgrade your coaching service to one that includes the feature of me caring more about your goals than you do, but please be aware that such an add-on is expensive as fuck!!!

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Monster Longe