Q: How do you put on weight? I’m asking because I’m skinny as fuck. How skinny? Ha, have you ever looked at a stick figure drawing and said that it looks jacked? Well, that’s because you haven’t seen me to compare it to! Real talk, I’m skinny as fuck!!! Continue reading How Do You Put On Weight?
One of my clients doesn’t call sick into work, comes in on her day off if help is needed, and works double shifts when she’s drafted to without bitching and moaning about it. Apparently, she’s a good employee. Well, she’s back from a month long assignment in Arizona.
She started at 150 lbs and got down to 132 lbs before her job told her that she had to work out of town for the month. She had two options:
1). Use that as an excuse to fuck away several months of hard work
or
2). Try to the best of her ability to maintain her progress with no gym activity and less than ideal food choices.
After a month away, she came back yesterday weighing 137 lbs.
So it appears that she decided to go the second route.
The lesson here?
That it’s possible to make the best out of a bad situation?
Ummmmmm…no!
The lesson is that you shouldn’t put yourself in a bad situation in the first place by being such a good fucking worker that your employer entrusts you with even greater responsibility that can help advance your career, which interferes with and is waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy less important than what you hired me to do!!!
Q: All I need to know is how to start working out for the first time. See, I’ve been, shall we say, letting myself go. Even that’s putting it lightly since I make Jabba the Hutt look like a figure of health. Do you know how fucking hard that is?!?! It’s fucking ridiculous. I know I need to do better but…ummmmm…how do I start?!?!
A: How to start working out for the first time?
What an utterly stup…endous question!
Well, for starters, I know you shouldn’t start by realizing that you live in the Information Age and can just type something like “how to start working out” into a search box, which will return a shitload of resources on the subject, such as two of my own that tell you how to start exercising when you’re out of shape and how to start an exercise program after being sedentary for years.
That’d be just stupid to hop online and find workout programs and nutrition plans that take the guesswork out of shit for you; videos showing how to perform exercises with proper form; and blog posts on various topics of nutrition so you know what to eat and why and how much.
How to start getting fit certainly isn’t by doing any of that shit!
Know what else it isn’t by doing? Continue reading How Do I Start Working Out For The First Time?
noun [muh·tab·uh·liz·uh m]
1. the sum of the things the body does to turn food into the energy needed to perform a myriad of functions, like thinking, breathing, and contracting every other muscle than the target muscle that should be involved in a lift but isn’t because you lift like your name is Branch Warren when your name clearly ISN’T Branch Warren. see also: GOOGLE SEARCH
2. the rate at which you burn calories, which, in your qualified medical opinion, you think is running slow and is why you can’t lose weight because you changing little, if anything, about how much food you eat certainly — CERTAINLY!!! — can’t have anything to do with it. see also: FULL RETARD
My client’s daughter started using Sweet Sweat, something the mother shared in my disagreement with, with the mother herself saying that topical thermogenics don’t work because it’s not possible to spot reduce (i.e. target fat loss in a specific area of the body) and they only help you lose water weight that you’ll regain once you drink fluids and replace the ones lost through sweat.
Well, maybe the mother didn’t say it exactly like that, but you get the point!
Anyway, guess what?
In another exciting episode of “You Can’t Make This Stuff Up“, the daughter tells me today that someone just bought TC1, a motherfucking fat burning cream — with that “someone” being her mother.
Yup, these are my clients!
